Bill and Juanita, owners of Allenspark Lodge B&B, are living their dream...

running a successful business and riding as often as possible.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Advice from a Westerner

  We just got back from the first half of the Rodeo National Finals held in Las Vegas.  Always quite the show.  You see more cowboys compete in 2 hours than in most 2 day events elsewhere.  But Vegas is a ... well... "different" kind of town.  It brings right up into your face the assorted cultures we have here in the USA.

North America was heavily colonized by European criminals and malcontents, and the west was populated by the ones that STILL weren't happy.  We have a different way of seeing things.  As lodge owners, we get to meet a lot of folks from all over the US and sometimes I offer them some advice for dealing with the natives on this side of the Mississippi, some of it original and some shamelessly stolen.

Western advice, top 25

25. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
24. Unless you are wearing a catcher's mask, the bill goes in front.
23. Buddy, it's a gravel road.   No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your car.
22. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
21. It's OK to make eye contact with people as you walk down the street.  In fact, it's kind of expected.
20. Lots of people out west wave.. It's called being friendly. Weird, huh?
19. Colorado just passed a law making it illegal to "text" while you are driving. Duh.
18. We eat beef, pork, poultry, trout, salmon, deer and elk. Sushi and caviar are available at the bait shop.
17. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
16. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
15. Ladies, all you need, at least here in Colorado, is SPF 15 and a chap-stick.  Makeup is only used if you are getting married or buried.
14. Gentlemen, a bola (string) tie will suffice for more formal occasions.  A regular "neck tie" may have people thinking you are a lawyer or a used car salesman.  Suits are for getting married or buried in.
13. Often, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 1/2 pound of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are usually three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and maybe some kind of hot sauce in a fancy joint.
11. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute.
10. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. Millionaires should play better than that.
9. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
8. Turn down your car stereo. Thumping ain't music. We don't want to hear it.
7.  "Cow Town" is not considered an insult to the folks from Denver, Dallas, Oklahoma City, etc. so save your breath.
6. I drive a pickup truck because I want to.  Hay is darned hard to unload from the back seat of a BMW.
5. "Cottage" is a type of cheese.  We vacation in a "cabin".
4.  "Mountain" shouldn't be part of the name unless it's over 8,000 feet.
3. When someone says "But it's a dry heat", it is OK to respond with "So's my oven, and I'm not moving inTHERE, either!"
2. Never call a politician a horse's rear end.  This is horse country.
1.Pull your pants up, You look like an idiot. (just can't say it often enough...)


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