Yo! Ga!

 Today, when Juanita and I got up, there was 4 inches of new snow on the ground and it was 22* out.

Yup.  It's spring.

This time of year, when we still don't have the horses up here, our activity levels have been down for too long.  So our fitness levels have dropped accordingly.

Juanita got an over-sized yoga mat from her mom for her birthday earlier in the month.  She has been using it much to the entertainment of the cats and dog.  This morning she shamed me into trying some "poses".

In what I consider an amazingly short period of time, I mastered the "sitting duck", the "shrieking infant" and the "road kill squirrel".

I think my follow up exercise program will consist of 12 ounce curls tonight.

Bill

I'm Ready for a New Line of Work

 I have decided to get into the horse trading business.  Below is my first draft of a letter to potential customers.


  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear sir or madam,

Greetings of the day to you.

  I am very pleased for being able to present you with the opportunity to be acquiring a horse of great value and rarity.  This horse of which I am telling you is a "Registered Grade Horse".  To acquaint yourself with the very stringent requirements of the registry, please take your computer to

http://allensparklodge.blogspot.com/2010/07/north-american-grade-horse-registry.html

This horse easily meets total requirements of the registry, and this animal is now know as gelding, it is the last of its bloodline, assuring its value and rarity will increase over time.

I will make this animal yours for the sum of 45,000 USD and have it awaiting your arrival when you get off of your slow boat.  Please wire me the funds, and make available to me the name and account number of your bank, so that I may be sending you any excess funds after shipping.

With only the respect due-

Mister Bill Martin, owner of Ranger, the Wonder Horse


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I used as many of the highly effective sales techniques as I could that I have seen lately in the letters I get.

Tell me if you think it'll work.
 Bill

Hoof Art

My computer died a couple years ago.  No great loss, except for the lost pictures, so I pulled the hard drive and this week I started pulling the photos off.

I had forgotten about these...

I call this series "Hoof Art"

You may have to chant the name while looking at the pictures.

 Sometimes I channel my inner 10 year old.  Sorry.

Bill

Such a Rebel

We were down in town getting groceries a couple days ago.  It's about a 45 minute drive to the store, and I had killed a cup of coffee or two on the way down the mountain, so a pit-stop was in order.

As I was finishing up, I noticed a sign on the wall.

"Employees Must Wash Hands"

I waited 10 minutes, and nobody showed up.  So I finally did it myself.

What ever happened to customer service?

Bill

March 15th

We went for a short, early spring ride on the mountain today.  The wind was blowing some, so the two greys were maybe a little jumpy, but not too bad.

I was on Washoe.

Juanita was on Jesse.

 

Washoe spotted something.

It wasn't there last time...

It's a BAD THING.

Control of the horse was rapidly disappearing.
I climbed off to lead the way (No saddle+no stirrups=EXTRA CAUTION FOR ME.)

Oh!  Wait!  It's just snow!

My hero.

Jesse, well she was just a little curious.

It didn't appear to "seize her".

Beware the rides of March.

(Don't hate me.  I can't help it.)

Bill

Off Day

I started getting "twitchy" here in the lodge this morning.  We had no guests, and it's not that I needed an escape from the cabin fever.  It's a HUGE cabin.  But still, we were almost out of toothpaste and Q-Tips.  Hardly enough for the rest of the month.

Juanita and I went down the mountain to Fort Collins and had lunch with the oldest daughter (GunDiva), and ran a few errands (tooth paste and Q-Tips).

Driving back up the mountain, I shifted the cell phone in my pocket, and heard a crinkling sound.  Aha!  One of the receipts from the day was in my shirt pocket with my phone.  I hurriedly gave it to the book-keeper before I lost it.  You should never anger the book-keeper by losing a receipt (it's even more important when you are MARRIED to your book-keeper).

"That reminds me of a story I heard once."  I told Juanita.

"There was a poor, almost destitute cowboy once, that couldn't afford a real set of chaps, or a vest.  So he made himself a set out of paper.  When he got to town, the sheriff arrested him and threw him in  jail."

"The charge was, of course...

Rustling. "

Did you know I can hear her eyes "click" when she rolls them?

Bill

A Black Friday Success Story

When any of our guests here at the lodge ask me what I did before we bought the lodge, I tell them I played the piano in a bordello.

It's just too embarrassing to tell them I repaired computers for a living.

When we came up the the lodge, the new great system was Windows 98.  And I haven't touched the inside of a computer since.

I think the kids feel I have fallen out of touch with the high tech world (the only text message I have sent was the letter "A" to my friend Amanda, by accident).

Well, I am going to prove them wrong this Christmas.

I braved the BLACK FRIDAY crowds today to pick up something for the four of them.  These are things  I have been hearing them (and many others) talking about. I don't fully understand why they are such a big deal, but who am I to judge.

I give you...........................................

They are going to be AMAZED!

Bill

All Set for the Hallo-day

Oh no.  Now what, Beel?

What is a hollow-ween, Beel?

What the hay?

Things look funny.

Horse Fly

I hate you.

Quick Story

Just a quick story I heard years ago.



  A guy ran into a bar one night.  Wild eyed and shaking he ordered a double, slammed it down and ordered another.

The bartender asked him, "So, what's up fella?  You look like you've seen a ghost."

The customer replied, "Something just happened to me.  I... I just can't believe it.  I was driving down that empty stretch of   Highway 68 when my car quit running.  Ran poorly for a couple minutes, and then died completely.  It would start and run for a moment, but when I pressed on the gas, it would die."

He had another swallow and then continued, "I climbed out of the car and popped the hood.  Suddenly, from the darkness beside the road I heard a voice."   "It's your fuel filter" said the voice beyond the fence.

"I looked over and only saw a couple of horses standing at the fence line staring at me.  No one else.   I asked, "Excuse me?"  and then one of the horses spoke to me!  He said, " It's your fuel filter.  Take it out, blow backwards through it, put it back in.  It should last until you get into town".  Then both of the horses walked away into the darkness."  "I did as he told me, the car started, and I just drove to town!"

The bartender asked, "This about 15 miles west of town?  White horse and a black horse?"  "Yes!" replied the drinker.  The bartender asked, "Which horse?"  The customer thought a moment and said, "It was the black one."

The bartender said, "Man are you lucky.  That white horse doesn't know BEANS about cars."

Bill

Remote

Last night while watching a movie, I found the remote had quit working. As I was working on it, I told Juanita that I had heard the inventor of the remote had just passed away earlier in the day.

Then I wondered aloud if they had tried twisting his batteries and pounding him on the armrest.

I was afraid to look and see if she was laughing.

 

Bill

Any Recommendations?

Yesterday, Juanita told me that the couple checking into room #22 was celebrating their thirty-second anniversary.

I asked "Gosh, what are they planning to do when they have been married a whole minute?"

A palsied head shaking accompanied the drooping head this time. 

I've got to find her a good neurologist... 

Bill

A Poke in the Eye With a Sharp Stick.

"AARGG!  HOT COFFEE!  HOT!  HOT!"

I spilled the cup of coffee down the front of my shirt and onto my lap.  The slab of liver attached to the side of my face was not equipped with working lips, so nothing went into my mouth.  My jaw felt like a python's jaw must feel after it unhinges it to swallow a pig.

I was leaving the dentist's office.

Getting me to the dentist is like, well, pulling teeth.  I can ignore something as mild as a tooth ache for a long time.  "It's only wildly searing pain.  No problem!"  So by the time I DO get to the dentist, there is usually "Work.To.Be.Done".

I'm sitting in the chair and the Dr. says "Now, this is going to pinch..."

 "ARRG!  MY BRAIN!  I CAN'T SEE!  I CAN"T SEE!"

"Open your eyes, Bill"

Oh.  Yeah.  Huh.

It reminded me of my horse, Ranger, and his first experience with a dentist.  The equine dentist was standing at Rangers neck, in the "safe zone", when he gave the shot.  My little mustangs eye's bugged out and he said "YOU JERK!" and kicked the dentist in the tush with his left rear foot.  The dentist said "YOU JERK!" and kicked the horse in the ribs with his tennis shoe.  They looked daggers at each other until the meds kicked in, and Ranger stood quietly with a dreamy expression on his face until the work was done.  He's a cheap drunk.

So I'm now sitting in the chair with no kicking, but NO dreamy expression, when the grinding began. (As a footnote, I am going to make a million dollars by selling the sound of a dental drill as a ring tone.  No one would EVER let it ring more than once.)

As the dentist and his assistant were working on my mouth, I could hear him asking for various tools to jam into my pie-hole, along with all four of their hands.

"Explorer."

"Small spoon"

 "Excavator"

"Large spoon"

"Now I'm going to need the hatchet and hoe..."

It took all four hands, still in my mouth, to pull me back down onto the chair.

"I didn't name the instruments, Bill.  That's just what they are called."


A hundred years or so later, the work was finally done and they let me out of the chair.

"Now Bill, I'm going to need to see you back here soon to check on that molar.  It's more filling than tooth, and may need a crown and root canal."

I replied "Nang meh neff ing drogeth."  Which roughly translates to "Not in THIS lifetime, you fiend".

He smiled and sent me on my way.

Walking around the grocery store on the way home, I noticed I was frightening small children and health-care professionals. I caught a glimpse of  my reflection.  Half of my face was sagging.  I was speaking with a slur (who was the comedian that put an "s" in the word lisp?) and had wet stains all down my shirt front and lap (I knew it was coffee...).  I looked like I was suffering a stroke.

I went home.

I'll go out later to talk with my horse.

"Hey Ranger!  How about going into town for a couple of beers and get our teeth floated?"

Yeah.  Right.

Bill

Should I be Worried?

Sometimes I feel concerned about my wife.  Like an hour or so ago.

I had been working around the lodge.  Fixing a window lock, fixing the vacuum cleaner, cleaning the sinks, tubs showers and such.  I had been whistling an old ditty most of the morning and it reminded me of a story.

I walked into the office behind Juanita while she was making entries on the computer.

I said "So this frog walks into a bank."

Her arms went limp to her sides, her head dropped to her chest, and I think I may have heard her moan.

Do you suppose it is some sort of neurological disorder?

Bill

Off Topic

And not only that, but the pen and buffet are free too!

Sometimes I wonder about me.

Bill

It Worth It?

I had to go down the mountain to drop a friend off for a flight.  Driving back up I stopped to pick up some supplies.  After grabbing what I needed, I called Juanita to see if she needed anything.  She told me what she needed, so I wandered over to domestics.

"May I help you?" asked the young sales associate.

"Miss, It boggles my mind the number of things I didn't even know existed before I got married, that I find myself shopping for nowadays.  Do you have any Full Bed Dust Ruffles?" I asked.

"Why yes, right over here" she says.  "Here are the bed skirts."

GunDiva's note: Do yourselves a favor - click on the picture to enlarge :)

PS - Bill and Mom - aren't you glad I set up your blog so I can break in whenever I want?

I made my selection, and walked to the register to pay for my Pet Proof Window Screening, my Window Spline Installation Tool, my Can of Spray Paint (yes, I'm over 18), and my Dress for a Bed.

Driving back up the mountain to the lodge I reflected on our current life, both pluses and minuses. 

I thought to the trips to the store and crowds and scrubbing toilets and vacuuming floors and plumbing repairs
and dealing with salesmen and calls at all hours of the day and night and the 8 month winters and and and...

I thought of the horse back ride I went on yesterday with one of  our daughters and one of our granddaughters.  A Papa/aunt/niece ride.

 

I am blessed.  I would change nothing.

Bill




PS-  Do you know how you get down off a horse?


You don't.  You get down off a goose. (didn't think I could end on a sappy note, did you?)

Maybe I Should Just Stay Inside

I try to avoid Estes Park this time of year.  Lots of people milling around making it hard to run errands.  Particularly on the weekends.  But sometimes we run out of something and have to make a quick run into town.

Today we ran out of cottage cheese, syrup, oranges, and beer.  Okay, that's pretty much a crisis to me, so I braved town and went to the brewery.  Then I figured as long as I was in town I'd get the other stuff, too.

I hit the grocery store and drove around the parking lot for a while, wishing Juanita was with me and still had bad hip joints.  That handicap parking tag was GREAT!  Finally got parked and scuttled into the store.

LOTS OF PEOPLE.

They were out of the normal sized shopping carts, and only had these odd little units that were about 1/4 sized.  I stuck the few items I needed into the tiny thing, and headed to checkout.  While standing in line, I was looking down at my toy cart and blurted "Damn.  I feel like I should have my baby dolly in here."

It was at that moment I noticed a 275 pound biker dude in line behind me.  He looked down at my cute little undersized grocery cart.  Then he slowly looked down and appraised his own pint-sized cart.  When he looked down at me a moment later, he spoke with a chill in his voice........

"I hear you, buddy."

Bill

Disclamer

 We had a guest a summer or two back that asked me what the weather forcast for the day was.  I said "Misleading".  Then I went on to tell him that the weather travels in "cells" up here, so 5 miles down the road, it may be different.  I went on to ask about weathermen "Wouldn't it be nice to have a job where you are ALWAYS wrong, and you get to keep your job, anyway?"

He said, "Sounds like being a husband."

True Story

Bill

Any opinions, comments or statements posted in this blog are not necessarily the opinions of, or endorsed by management.  Unless, of course, they are Juanita's posts.

Stick Horse Herd

             (_)
            (oo)\______   
            (__)\            )\
                  ||------- |  \
                   ]]         ]]  

             Ranger


             ^---^
            (o  o)\_______   
            (___)\             )\
                   ||_______| \
                    ]]           ]]  

               Jesse
              
             ()()
            (OO)\ ________  
             (_) \                )/\
                    ||--------- |   \
                     ]]           ]]  

              Washoe


Juanita is supposed to post another recipe, so this is sort of... visual elevator music.  Not really very good, just  a place holder until something happens.

Bill

The Song

 Last September I posted on clicker training and teaching my mustang to "touch" scary things.   After the success I had with him on that, I gave serious thought to teaching him some tricks using clicker training.  Juanita had taught her horse to fetch a frisbee and I thought it might be fun to teach Ranger to "sing" on command.  First get him to huff after I say sing.  Then click, give him a treat.  Then have him make a louder sound before he gets his click and treat.  Finally a full whinnie on the sing command.

I had to give it up, though. I realized I couldn't teach him to sing because he is always just a little horse.
Ba-da-bump.
(And no, you don't get your 2 minutes back.)

Advice from a Westerner

  We just got back from the first half of the Rodeo National Finals held in Las Vegas.  Always quite the show.  You see more cowboys compete in 2 hours than in most 2 day events elsewhere.  But Vegas is a ... well... "different" kind of town.  It brings right up into your face the assorted cultures we have here in the USA.

North America was heavily colonized by European criminals and malcontents, and the west was populated by the ones that STILL weren't happy.  We have a different way of seeing things.  As lodge owners, we get to meet a lot of folks from all over the US and sometimes I offer them some advice for dealing with the natives on this side of the Mississippi, some of it original and some shamelessly stolen.

Western advice, top 25

25. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
24. Unless you are wearing a catcher's mask, the bill goes in front.
23. Buddy, it's a gravel road.   No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your car.
22. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
21. It's OK to make eye contact with people as you walk down the street.  In fact, it's kind of expected.
20. Lots of people out west wave.. It's called being friendly. Weird, huh?
19. Colorado just passed a law making it illegal to "text" while you are driving. Duh.
18. We eat beef, pork, poultry, trout, salmon, deer and elk. Sushi and caviar are available at the bait shop.
17. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
16. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
15. Ladies, all you need, at least here in Colorado, is SPF 15 and a chap-stick.  Makeup is only used if you are getting married or buried.
14. Gentlemen, a bola (string) tie will suffice for more formal occasions.  A regular "neck tie" may have people thinking you are a lawyer or a used car salesman.  Suits are for getting married or buried in.
13. Often, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 1/2 pound of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are usually three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and maybe some kind of hot sauce in a fancy joint.
11. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute.
10. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. Millionaires should play better than that.
9. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
8. Turn down your car stereo. Thumping ain't music. We don't want to hear it.
7.  "Cow Town" is not considered an insult to the folks from Denver, Dallas, Oklahoma City, etc. so save your breath.
6. I drive a pickup truck because I want to.  Hay is darned hard to unload from the back seat of a BMW.
5. "Cottage" is a type of cheese.  We vacation in a "cabin".
4.  "Mountain" shouldn't be part of the name unless it's over 8,000 feet.
3. When someone says "But it's a dry heat", it is OK to respond with "So's my oven, and I'm not moving inTHERE, either!"
2. Never call a politician a horse's rear end.  This is horse country.
1.Pull your pants up, You look like an idiot. (just can't say it often enough...)


Bill