Bill and Juanita, owners of Allenspark Lodge B&B, are living their dream...

running a successful business and riding as often as possible.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A Poke in the Eye With a Sharp Stick.


I spilled the cup of coffee down the front of my shirt and onto my lap.  The slab of liver attached to the side of my face was not equipped with working lips, so nothing went into my mouth.  My jaw felt like a python's jaw must feel after it unhinges it to swallow a pig.

I was leaving the dentist's office.

Getting me to the dentist is like, well, pulling teeth.  I can ignore something as mild as a tooth ache for a long time.  "It's only wildly searing pain.  No problem!"  So by the time I DO get to the dentist, there is usually "Work.To.Be.Done".

I'm sitting in the chair and the Dr. says "Now, this is going to pinch..."


"Open your eyes, Bill"

Oh.  Yeah.  Huh.

It reminded me of my horse, Ranger, and his first experience with a dentist.  The equine dentist was standing at Rangers neck, in the "safe zone", when he gave the shot.  My little mustangs eye's bugged out and he said "YOU JERK!" and kicked the dentist in the tush with his left rear foot.  The dentist said "YOU JERK!" and kicked the horse in the ribs with his tennis shoe.  They looked daggers at each other until the meds kicked in, and Ranger stood quietly with a dreamy expression on his face until the work was done.  He's a cheap drunk.

So I'm now sitting in the chair with no kicking, but NO dreamy expression, when the grinding began. (As a footnote, I am going to make a million dollars by selling the sound of a dental drill as a ring tone.  No one would EVER let it ring more than once.)

As the dentist and his assistant were working on my mouth, I could hear him asking for various tools to jam into my pie-hole, along with all four of their hands.


"Small spoon"


"Large spoon"

"Now I'm going to need the hatchet and hoe..."

It took all four hands, still in my mouth, to pull me back down onto the chair.

"I didn't name the instruments, Bill.  That's just what they are called."

A hundred years or so later, the work was finally done and they let me out of the chair.

"Now Bill, I'm going to need to see you back here soon to check on that molar.  It's more filling than tooth, and may need a crown and root canal."

I replied "Nang meh neff ing drogeth."  Which roughly translates to "Not in THIS lifetime, you fiend".

He smiled and sent me on my way.

Walking around the grocery store on the way home, I noticed I was frightening small children and health-care professionals. I caught a glimpse of  my reflection.  Half of my face was sagging.  I was speaking with a slur (who was the comedian that put an "s" in the word lisp?) and had wet stains all down my shirt front and lap (I knew it was coffee...).  I looked like I was suffering a stroke.

I went home.

I'll go out later to talk with my horse.

"Hey Ranger!  How about going into town for a couple of beers and get our teeth floated?"

Yeah.  Right.



  1. Can't believe Ranger went with you,..what with spit dribbling down your face and all.

  2. Jim will love to read this when he gets up in the morning -- before he goes to -- yep! -- the dentist! Mrs. Paris

    1. Wha id oo ay?

      translation: What did you say?

      I have to go back too for two more fillings -- and -- I have a prescription for a special toothpaste --- sigh.........

      Jim Paris

  3. You are a funny guy Bill, I can't pick a fav, but the excavator put me over the top. Sorry about the experience though. Next time I have to go to the dentist, I will hopefully be able to conjure up this post. Maybe it will ease the anxiety.

  4. Excavator? Eek.

    Some Charleston Chew might take care of those teeth for ya... free extractions, you know?

  5. Ohhhhhh, I can't stop laughing!!! :)

    1. When checking for nerve viability, he stuck what he lovingly called his "cattle prod" into my mouth and shocked the nerve.

      I stopped laughing.



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